The Tragic Romance of Hedwig and Crookshanks
by The Cynic
Summary: Hedwig and Crookshanks star in this dramatic piece as star-crossed lovers. What happens when an owl and a cat fall in love? How will they cope? For that matter (more importantly, of course), how will they snog? I have an odd sense of humor. Please don't s


The Tragic Romance of Hedwig and Crookshanks  
  
He did not know when he began loving her, but the sight of her haunted his brain: those beautiful eyes, that beautiful white plumage, and the beautiful way that she caught rats, snapped their necks, and bit them into two bloody pieces.  
  
Yes, his Hedwig was certainly a charmer.  
  
Crookshanks would agonize over her at night. "O my darling, o my darling, how shalt thou ever love one such as me? I am ugly, and my nose is squashed."  
  
He began to grow thinner, as he was too stricken with a bad case of unrequited love to bother hunting. As he pined, Crookshanks also grew handsomer! However, there was still the matter of the squashed nose, and it caused him great misery indeed.  
  
He would stalk her from afar, watching. "O the beauty of thy wings, soaring above the ground like an angel! And the delicate way in which thou art devouring that rodent of unidentifiable species!" It was love, and it hurt.  
  
Also, Hedwig was involved in a torrid affair with Pigwidgeon, who, though certainly handsome, was also about three times smaller than she. It was a constant worry of Hedwig's that she might accidentally sit on her beloved, thereby squashing him into tiny pieces.  
  
"O, how beautiful she is when she agonizes!" said Crookshanks, who was, it is admitted, not exactly what one might call imaginative. He was more of the strong and silent type, really.  
  
Hedwig, sitting on a perch in the moonlight, looked particularly bewitching. "O, how can I live with the guilt? What if I, by chance, sat upon my darling Pig? How could I ever live with having caused his death?" She paused, tilting her head at a tiny cracking sound that emerged from the bushes.  
  
How was she to know that the sound was Crookshanks' heart breaking? This anatomical miracle apparently had no effect on his health, for he was soon back in Hermione's dorm room, moping around. "My darling does not love me! Oh, I shall surely die."  
  
He sat in his self-induced pity for several days.  
  
Hedwig, meanwhile, was having problems of her own. Even though she was madly in love with Pig, she decided that she was also madly in love with Crookshanks who, though he was not even of her species, was certainly attractive.  
  
Also, Pig talked too much.  
  
"Not now, Pig darling, I have a headache. Not now."  
  
Pigwidgeon who, though tiny, was quite randy, and he also possessed a Napoleon complex the size of France. He stormed off in a huff, and refused to talk to Hedwig. "Ah me," she sobbed bitterly into the night, "What am I to do? Left alone by my beloved, deserted in the night! Ah," she began, but was unable to finish with 'me,' because she was crying. Do not, dear readers, question whether or not owls can cry. You haven't said anything about their talking yet, and now is not the time to become inquisitive.  
  
"You are not alone, my love!" said a voice from the bushes.  
  
"Oh!" she exclaimed, using her owl vision to try and find the source of the words, "Who are you?"  
  
"Someone who loves you," the voice said, shamefully pulling lines from Star Wars, "I love you."  
  
Hedwig had, for a moment, the inexplicable urge to say, 'I know,' but she held it back as it was not the most romantic thing to speak. "Who are you, to speak so sweetly in my hour of distress?" she said instead, which was suitably corny AND romantic.  
  
The voice sounded impressed. "It is I, your one true love."  
  
"But I thought Pigwidgeon was my one true love!" said Hedwig, distressed. "I have two one true loves?"  
  
"No," said the voice, sounding distinctly annoyed now, "It is I, your ONE TRUE love!"  
  
"Please emerge from those bushes which are hiding your manly frame, so that I might see your face," Hedwig pleaded.  
  
"But...." Crookshanks said, unsure.  
  
"Please! For me?" Hedwig said, pouting prettily, which for an owl is no mean feat.  
  
"Oh, all right," Crookshanks muttered, "Bugger all." And he emerged.  
  
"Oh! Crookshanks!" Hedwig gasped.  
  
Crookshanks looked at the ground, full of self-hatred. "Yes, it is I. I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes upon you. I have just now worked up the courage to speak, and I know you will hate me, for I am ugly and have a squashed nose. I shall leave you now, but—but I just wanted—" He could not finish, and began crying, which, though an unmanly thing to do, was very appropriate in this situation. He turned around and began to slink off into the darkness, most likely with the intent to throw himself into the lake.  
  
However, a voice stopped his progress!  
  
"Stop!" Hedwig commanded.  
  
Crookshanks turned around. "Yes?"  
  
Hedwig fluttered down from the perch, staring intently at the feline. "Do not go!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because—because I love you!"  
  
"Crookshanks? Crookshanks, where are you? It's time to go beddy-pie!" Strong arms lifted from above and carried the cat off. It was Hermione!  
  
"Oh, sod it!" Crookshanks cried, but unfortunately, all Hermione heard was, "Mrrowl!!!!"  
  
Hedwig, left alone again, burst into tears.  
  
3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3  
  
"Hedwig? You have been distant lately. I, as the soon to be jilted lover, am suspicious. You have some explaining to do!"  
  
"Oh Pigwidgeon! I must speak the truth!"  
  
"Oh no, this does not sound good!" said Pigwidgeon, trying desperately to make the day's quota of exclamation points.  
  
"I do not love you!"  
  
"Aaaaaaaaahhhh!" said Pigwidgeon.  
  
"I love another!"  
  
"Damn!" said Pigwidgeon, "Who is he!"  
  
"He is.... Crookshanks!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"/No/!"  
  
"/Yes/!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"Oh, you get the picture!"  
  
"But why, Hedwig, why! I thought we had something special!"  
  
"Not special enough for me!"  
  
"Oh, my achy heart! My achy breaky heart!"  
  
"Billy Ray Cyrus shall not help you now! I'm leaving you, Shorty."  
  
"You'll be sorry, Hedwig! YOU'LL BE SORRY!"  
  
But she didn't hear him. Pigwidgeon sobbed for about five minutes, then began plotting his revenge. "No one mocks my size and gets away with it!"  
  
3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3  
  
Meanwhile, Crookshanks and Hedwig were having problems of their own. "O, my darling," said Crookshanks, "We are not able to snog, because you will surely poke out one of my eyes!"  
  
"Oh, no," said Hedwig, and burst into tears.  
  
"However, I will gladly sacrifice an optical unit to snog you, darling," he said, "After all, I'm already missing most of my nose."  
  
"Oh, but that does not matter! It makes you look rakishly handsome."  
  
"You really think so?" Crookshanks asked, pleased. He fluffed out his fur and looked dangerous.  
  
"Ooooh," said Hedwig, "Now, let us snog!"  
  
"Yes, let's!" said Crookshanks enthusiastically. The fiasco that followed sounded something like this:  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Watch it!"  
  
"My eye!"  
  
"My beak!"  
  
"Ouch, ouch!"  
  
"Oh, watch your teeth! The pain!"  
  
Hedwig sobbed passionately. "I suppose that predators of different species were not meant to snog!" Both parties were bleeding heavily in the areas around their mouths. "Oh, how I wish you were an owl!"  
  
"How I wish that YOU were a cat," said Crookshanks darkly, and they promptly had their first quarrel, in which, 'I hate you!'s were exchanged all around, and which was promptly forgotten as though it had never been in a convinient plot hole.  
  
Soon, they were attempting to snog again. This attempt was even more disastrous than the first. "Alas!" said Hedwig, "We are of two disparate species! You are a cat and I am an owl! However shall we procreate?"  
  
"I do not know," said Crookshanks miserably, "A moment ago I was the happiest feline in the world, and now I writhe in the pits of abject despair."  
  
"Never fear!" said Pigwidgeon from the shadows, "I shall put you out of your misery!" And he promptly stabbed Crookshanks through the heart with a little owl-sized rapier. "Hahahaha! Now Hedwig is mine! Hahaha! Ahahahahahaha! Mwahaha. Hmm. I suppose I need to work on my maniacal laughter—another time! Hedwig! Will you marry me?"  
  
Hedwig had been staring at Crookshanks, horrified. He gasped out his last words. "Love....you....al...." and then he expired.  
  
"I will never marry you, you monster! You dastard! You poltroon!" And then she did the only thing that a girl in her situation can do, which was to bash her head against a stone wall until she was near death. She flopped dramatically onto the ground.  
  
"Noooo!" cried Pigwidgeon, "You weren't supposed to do that! We were supposed to be happy once that interloper was out of the way! How could this have happened? Oh, woe! Woe! WOE!"  
  
"I shall be.... with you momentarily, Crookshanks," and then Hedwig, too, went to that giant pet shop in the sky.  
  
"Hey, what's this?" Ron said curiously, as he appeared from nowhere, also in a convinient plot hole. He blinked at the bloody scene before him. "Um.... Harry, you'd better come and see this...." 


End file.
